September 2010
1 post
August 2010
7 posts
I’ve been sick the last two days, feeling like complete garbage and falling in and out of sleep.
Somewhat Unreliable Boy, despite me not having texted him at all for 24 hours, asked if I was feeling better last night. Unfortunately, I was so drowsy I only gave it a passing glance and promptly flopped back into bed but I remember my last thoughts being “Hmm maybe he isn’t such a...
He sent me a Facebook invite for a camping trip.
He can’t have done it on accident. He has nearly 700 friends. He invited around 40. Which means he probably had to search by name. He always talked about it-we both adore camping and river rafting and hiking. And doing it with someone I’m in love with? There’s nothing better.
Worst idea ever. I’m not even going to say no,...
I’ve spent some time away to collect my thoughts but I’m still as jumbled as ever.
There’s a boy who is perfect, and the only thing that is stopping me is the fact that I simply can’t see him that way. He’s kind and smart and would be the kind of person who would be there for me, even if I didn’t need him-but alas, the heart wants what the heart wants and...
“This is a good sign, having a broken heart. It means we have tried for...”
– Elizabeth Gilbert (via littlemiss) (via quote-book) (via lovebot)
I went out with some friends yesterday and had to drive one home because he was quite drunk. We are friends in a strange way. We fight constantly and I find him overbearing sometimes and he thinks I’m a psychotic bitch sometimes but in the end, we can always go to each other if we need someone to talk to.
He’s been in love with this girl who lives in another country for a year or so,...
My friend always said she liked that old Liz Phair song “Why Can’t I” because of the line “the best part of breaking up is finding someone else you can’t get enough of”
I think I did. I’m wary of course. And maybe a part of me still (and probably always will) hurts for the boy who lives far away. But he wanted me to move on and be happy and not dwell on...
I was on the Castro last night in San Francisco, dancing around with hundreds of happy, cheering people, drunk but not too drunk. It was something beautiful.
Yesterday was a good day for love.
July 2010
8 posts
He left me a fb chat today.
“I know we haven’t talked in a while. I just wanted to say hi and see how you were doing. I know you said you wanted space. We’ve always been friends so I hope you’re doing well.”
Damn right I want space. Not what I needed, waking up for work this morning. Now my thoughts are going to be more jumbled than usual.
But at the same time,...
He’s in town.
He hasn’t called me.
I don’t know if I want him to.
I noticed a photo on fuckyeahlove’s tumblr that was taken at my old high school! It’s funny, thinking about high school now. I was just as idealistic back then. I don’t think I’ve been jaded much, despite having my heart broken more times than I can remember. But I’m just an optimistic, silly soul and every bit of me still believes that love is the driving force...
It’s over. It’s more tragic than anything. He felt guilty that he couldn’t give me what I needed; him. And in the end, after weeks of trying to find a solution, we couldn’t. There was no way that both of us could be happy in this situation. He would be unhappy trying to balance everything in his life, and I would be unhappy having to wait.
The thing is, I would have....
He’s had an awful two days. His laptop broke, his XBOX broke, and he has a frightening midterm this week.
It’s hard to try being normal, cheerful, supportive when I feel far from it myself, but he doesn’t need depressed angry me right now. In fact, I don’t even know if he wants any contact from me when he’s stressed out. But I figure, if I’m going to call...
Long talk last night. Nothing resolved. More questions. The ball is in his court. I know what I want, I know what I want to do. He doesn’t. He has less of an idea than I do. He doesn’t want to hurt me, but he thinks he will, in the end, because he can’t give me his time, or his attention, when his life is so hectic and stressful. And everytime I try to give, he turns it down,...
Dying of uncertainty. Things getting in the way. Trying to occupy myself but always, always wondering.
We had a pretty lovely, normal conversation on Wednesday night. But we’ve been playing phone and chat tag since. That big talk is yet to come and though I am anxious for what it’ll entail, I just really, really want to do it as soon as possible. I’m tired of feeling like this....
Listen
June 2010
17 posts
I never realized how many sad songs are on the radio until today, when I had to drive an hour to work, alone in my car. I think I nearly broke down in tears at least twice (probably not a good thing when driving at 80 miles an hour).
I can’t stand this. I’m terrified out of my mind. Because I know you’re the kind of person who, like me, can’t be persuaded once your mind...
I wish my 100th entry were something bright and happy and sweet but alas, we had the most serious fight we’ve ever had last night. We’re both taking space and time to calm down. He’s in Tahoe with his parents and my girlfriends are coming over with the intention of drinking wine, watching bad romantic comedies, and bitching about our lives.
Last night I was so upset I...
I’m supposed to see you tomorrow for a little bit :) I’m trying not to let myself get too excited, because of what happened last time. I don’t want to have another minor disaster ruin my entire week. But I won’t lie, I want it to be tomorrow already. God, I miss you.
When we’re drunk, we tend to have an easier time expressing ourselves. It’s why they call it liquid courage sometimes. And though I’m not as eloquent when I’ve had some whiskey in me, the things I say are truer, more deeply felt, because that filter that sobriety imposes between my brain and my mouth is gone. I’m not afraid to tell you how I feel. And I like to think...
It’s been an insane week. I haven’t spoken to you much and it’s quite sad. Little five minute conversations before one of us has to leave, occasional Facebook chats, the spare text message (doesn’t help that you have a limit). This hasn’t been easy. It’s been ridiculous and difficult and I find myself becoming listless when I’m alone, not surrounded by...
I just want to wrap my legs around you and kiss you on the nose.
I hate that your phone doesn’t work half the time. I hate that I have to spend all day setting up stuff in my new house, running around furniture stores and Target spending obscene amounts of money on basic things. But I love that you called me today, even if I was in the car with my dad and couldn’t really talk. And I...
I was supposed to see him today but technology decided to fail at quite critical moments.
In an awful mood. So so awful. I wish I didn’t miss you so much sometimes. It’s so painful.
“I do care about you. And I swear things will get easier. And if it doesn’t, then we can always regroup and talk more until it does”
That’s all I needed to hear :)
I get to see him for a little bit on Sunday while he’s in town visiting his parents and I’m moving back to the area after graduation. Part of me wants to just hug him and be happy and pretend...
We had a two hour conversation last night, until 5:30 in the morning, but it wasn’t for the best of things.
He’s scared. More scared than I thought. More insecure than I thought. More unsure of everything than I thought. The honesty just flowed last night, I told him everything I write here, my fears and frustrations and wants. And he told me his fears and frustrations and wants, but...
( He went out with his roommate last night to a bar )
(2:30am, phone rings)
“hey cutie, I just put James to bed. And after I hang up, I’m going to go throw up sooooooo much. But I wanted to call my cutie first”
“Aww! well I’m glad you had fun”
“I feel like garbage. Gaaaaaaarbage. I’m garbage without you”
“uh, I think you feel...
[ his roommate turned 21 last night ]
“I’m still drunk and I’m going to be soooooo hungover today so I wanted to call my cutie before that all started”
He’s my little party animal, haha. Oh that darling.
He only has summer school three days a week! Which means four day weekends :) pity I am going to have a real job working 9-5, five days a week.
But still, it’s lovely news. It’s an awfully hot day here, in the 90s, but if I could, I’d cuddle with him. Instead, I’m doing homework and watching The Food Network with my neighbors.
If I could do anything right now,...
I’ve been so productive, getting all my work done, making sure graduation will go smoothly, preparing to move. But though my mind is occupied, my heart is empty and it misses you awfully every moment of the day.
“Call me baby, I miss you”
Awh I already call him every night. But I can’t get enough of his voice either.
“I miss you already”
It’d barely been 14 hours since I’d left yesterday morning and we missed each other already. I decided on a whim to stay the night and wake up really early in the morning, which he didn’t think was a good idea (we got in a bit of a tiff over it) but it was worth it, to me. Even if he’s a grumpy little sleepyhead in the morning, the extra...
“have fun with your friends, cutie!”
He’s always worried when I visit him that I should be spending more time with my college friends, since I only have a week and a half here left before I leave forever, and will barely see my college friends. It’s nice, in a way. I like that he cares and wants me to enjoy the company of my friends (unlike some awful guys who are...
Ohhhh what a weekend. It was full of its ups and downs. Our highs were high, laughing and tickling and floating down a river with friends and wrapped in each other in sheets. Our lows were low, crying outside my car, feeling dumb, being irrational.
This distance and time apart really kills me inside. Why is it I only have weekends to live for? Even with our little spats, I’d take the...
May 2010
19 posts
Tonight: Watching The Imaginarium of Doctor Parnassus with friends, in my pajamas, sipping Gatorade, probably tinkering with my senior project.
Tomorrow: Driving to see you. Tackling you when you open the door. Kissing you until I fall asleep. Laughing, laughing and laughing.
I like dreaming about you. My dreams are often scattered and random and have very inconsistent storylines. It’s as if six dreams have mashed together end to end, and one unexpectedly begins in the middle of another and they never make sense. It’s a bit like life and sometimes I’m frightened, but when you’re in my dreams, I inevitably wake up with a little smile on my face....
Less than 48 houuuuuurs!
It’s been busy the last few days, getting ready to graduate and making plans but that’s okay because I’ll get to see you soon! My heart feels as if it’ll leap out of my chest any minute.
[ 10pm, he’s at a bar with karaoke, I just got off work ]
“This bar has karaoke! This could get out of hand fast.”
“Oh my god, so jealous! Sing something!”
“I did Santaria. Might do something else later”
“Sing something cheesy 80s like TAKE ME HOME TONIGHT (Eddie Money)”
“Haha no way!”
“Do it, or next time we’re at...
[2am, phone rings]
“Hey sweetheart, sorry I didn’t pick up earlier. I’m driving in downtown San Jose and there were cops everywhere by the Shark Tank”
“Don’t get in trouble! I could’ve waited until you got back home”
“I know, but I know you were gonna sleep soon and I didn’t want to wake you up, you have lots to do tomorrow”
...
I know you feel bad for having to meet me on Saturday instead of Thursday, but I’m not mad at all, I promise. It’s for your grandpa’s birthday and that’s important. I now have more time to do homework that I would have been rushing to finish. And if we can survive five weeks, we can certainly survive another two days.
“I’ll get up as early as I can to see you...
When I have a good hair day, I always wish I were with you. Not necessarily because I’m vain or want to show off how flippingly awesome and shampoo commercial-esque my hair is, but…just because.
A few more days :)
My friend and I were in similar situations. We both were in long distance, sort of relationships. We both went away a lot on weekends. We both gave a lot to the other person and expected a lot back. We both fell in love quickly and insanely. The only difference is, now her relationship is now falling apart while mine is still going strong.
She’s having a rough time and I can’t help...
Oh darling, how am I ever going to get any homework done if I’m just talking to you for hours?
:)
I can’t wait to visit you in a week! I really really really can’t wait. Hearing your voice say “I miss you” makes me even more antsy. The next few days will go by quickly, I hope.
One of my dearest best friends is quickly falling in love with a girl and while I’m happy for him (he’s been through terrible things with his ex and really deserves to find someone who isn’t a psychotic manipulative bitch), I can’t help being a tad envious. They’ve had late night sleepovers at the beach, and dinners, and other things that normal couples have. Two...
You know you’re head over heels for a person when you don’t mind them calling at 8am on a Saturday :)
I had to get up early for a fundraiser anyways so it was actually nice waking up to such a happy occurrence rather than waking up groggy and grumpy. Oh bliss. I think it’s falling back to normal now. The clouds are receding and I am so excited for what is to come.
Come see me...
These long distance shenanigans, painful as they are, will have taught me one thing that I hope stays with me forever, even when we can be together in the future whenever we want.
Every moment with you, every word spoken, every laugh and hug and kiss and anything, is incredibly precious. Because now, on this day and very moment as I sit alone in my room, I would give up almost anything to have a...
“I can see the light at the end of the tunnel”
Oh thank goodness. Thank goodness his last final is tomorrow and after Monday, I’ll be done with three major projects. He sounded happier tonight than he has in a long time and though my work isn’t done yet, I feel a bit more relieved knowing that maybe this awful weight can be lifted from my shoulders too. I can’t stand...
Today was good. For the first time in a week, I haven’t been incredibly frustrated and sad. He sent me a cute XKCD comic that he thought I’d like, it was really quite cute.
I think he doesn’t always believe I adore him so much. He’s aware of his problems-not always the most reliable, often forgetful, a bit of workaholic. Has his moody points. I suspect ex-girlfriends have...
It’s been a hard two days. Everything I do is tinted with your absence. Because this wasn’t what it was supposed to be. I think you’re getting frustrated with me being frustrated and it scares me. I just want everything to go back to normal. I myself want to get back to normal. I haven’t been myself lately. I have been in an awful mood, on the verge of tears every moment of...
Dammit, I’m supposed to be driving right now. To you. And I’m not.
Right now, it’s making everything else in my life insignificant. I’m going to feel like crying every second of this day, from my friend’s birthday lunch in half an hour to Iron Man 2 later tonight. Is it so pathetic that I can’t enjoy these things because I’m so crushed over not being...
The last few days have been rough. Despite my vow in the previous post to keep my head level and bear through all this, I ended up bawling my face off in a fight we had Monday night. It was the first real fight we’ve had. He doesn’t have time to see me this weekend, not even for a little bit, and me, being a bit of a hyperemotional wreck anyways, couldn’t take it. He’s...